Promise me smoking monkeys...

And I am putty in your hands.

I was talking recently with a friend from home, that friend specifically being Annie. And even more specifically being Annie R., since I've been strangely blessed with approximately 472 friends named Annie. Annie and I have a long and storied friendship that dates back to the zygote stage and has essentially retained the same dynamic ever since.

I am a huge nerd.
She is much cooler.
I am fairly reserved.
She likes to get wasted and verbally abuse strangers.
I am easily bribed.
She is, hands down, the best briber ever.

When we were little, it was often hard for her to get me to hang out. Mostly because I was too busy eating dandelions and watching Square One TV in my underwear to throw eggs at the neighbor's fence or whatever it was she wanted me to do. In this recent conversation, she informed me that one time, having exhausted all other avenues of prying me from the grips of my introversion, she broke out the big guns. I imagine the conversation went something like this:

"Want to come over and paint the patio with Drano?"
"No thanks."
"I have that National Geographic with the smoking monkey."
"Goddamn it. Ok."

Even at six years old, she knew me well enough to know that National Geographic was my downfall, and the issue with the smoking monkey was my favorite. It was actually a five-page spread of chimpanzees in various states of human-inflicted emotional duress. The Russian one was wearing a tuxedo and serving champagne. The Appalachian one was wearing roller skates and living under someone's back porch. And one of them was smoking a cigarette. I guess our subscription had lapsed because for some reason, my family didn't have that one at home. I would visit it at my aunt's house on a weekly basis, but the days in between were long and empty. And Annie knew that I would do anything to fill the void. At that point, I imagine I readily agreed to her offer, put down the Canadian dollar I was about to add to my collection and proceeded to engage in some form of vandalism. And I'm almost positive it was worth it.