Awesome for multiple reasons

Bird and the Bee. Hall and Oates. Super pregnant. Great song.



Spin article about the album

Ah well...

After growing my hair out until it looked like a dog-chewed Barbie head, synthetic and gnarled, I got a haircut. It was supposed to look like this:



...but I forgot my picture, and my ability to describe things is less than keen. So instead, it looks kind of like this (the one on the right).



Or maybe more like this.



Life, via my hair, comes full circle.

On this St. Paddy's Day eve...

My mom is barely Irish… like, probably more Na’vi than Irish, but because she’s German and French and Native American (I think) and Brazilian (probably not), and therefore unlabelable, we opted to identify with my dad’s side of the family tree (or, as my mom’s ancestors would call it, the Tree of Souls).

We leached off his 100% Irish status from the time we could eat horseshoe-shaped marshmallows. This was particularly easy for me because I was round, pale and freckled and could have been an overfed extra in Angela’s Ashes. My sister and I took up Irish dancing in grade school, sleeping in hard pink plastic curlers, wearing heavy embroidered dresses, and performing reels and jigs at nursing homes, shopping malls and the occasional hotel ballroom. During an especially awkward stage, I played famed Dublin street hawker Molly Malone in the St. Patrick’s Day parade, my black fingernails clutching her wheelbarrow of cockles and mussels.

After years of tentative planning and speculation, we actually made it to Ireland as a family in 2004. We spent two weeks hauling our luggage from county to county, pointing at signs featuring our last name with the elusive “g,” kissing walls, leaning over cliffs and reveling in the place where it all began – at some point, in a town that now longer existed (having been incorporated into rainy Galway).

In sum, my dad’s heritage became an integral part of our family’s identity. He was buried in his green and navy shamrock tie, while the rest of us donned some sort of reciprocal emblem.

Now I face my first St. Patrick’s day as a Kraemer, having lost the distinctly Irish last name that served as my automatic pass into drunken conversations, my badge of pride every March 17. I have a bit more Oktoberfest clout, but a little less St. Patrick's Day credibility. I’m trying to face it like a man and remember that it’s what’s in your DNA and on your head (Kiss Me, I’m Irish antennae) that matter, but it’s still hard… like the Blarney Stone… or a rock.*


*A difficult traditional Irish dance movement. Also, a pun.

Happy birthday, Chuck Norris

A shameless marital plug...

After this I'll be done linking to other people's work and write something of my own, but I thought I'd share something intellectually stimulating first. Matt has always been a veracious reader, but as of late he's become an equally veracious Goodreads user, updating his bookshelf regularly and writing book reviews on an almost daily basis. Because I do not read as... consistently (unless you count food packaging and anything with baby bump in the headline), I haven't even read a fraction of the books he's reviewed. But sometimes I read his reviews anyway, and - if I didn't witness him writing them, holed up in the upstairs office as I frolic around, making messes and indulging in short-lived hobbies, I'd swear these were written by an honest to goodness professional. The kind that gets paid in money (whereas Matt is compensated through the overwhelming adoration of the Goodreads community). Anyway, I thought I'd spread the literary love and provide a link to his page. You might have to join Goodreads to see it, but then you'll be able to make fun of the books I've read (and haven't read), and that's a pretty decent bonus.

Matt Kraemer's Goodreads Page

This is Annie...


And this is her tumblr. You should check it out! She's way more into pictures, inspiration, conciseness and updating than I am.

You could sense that I was missing Chicago a great deal, couldn't you?

Thank you, Lauren. You are fantastic.

TCOB

Ignorance is totally bliss. I love ignorance. But the fallout from ignorance that has gone too far for too long is the opposite of bliss. It's blisslessness. And it's harsh. Left to my own devices, I'll ignore anything I can - obligations, bills, due dates set far into the future. But lately, those months and years of denying reality have come back to haunt me, most recently when some dude in Plano, Texas, opened a cable account on my dime because I would rather stare at the wall than return phone calls from concerned creditor. So while I was putting packs of gum on my Visa, he was watching $7 On Demand movies, probably a dozen a night, all complements of my dumb, blissful self.

With that little incident acting as the cable account that broke my glass castle of denial, I've decided to TCOB. First on the Business of Which To Take Care list was following up with the identify theft. Today I continued to TCOB by taking our new car into the dealership for the so-called Platinum Package, wherein they rustproof and Scotchgard the car for a million dollars. Or rather, they charge you a million dollars at the time of purchase and assume that you will forget. Dealership gets your money; you get rust on your doors and taco sauce stains on your seats. So I stuck it to the man by actually showing up, and actually taking the rental car they'd promised, and actually taking care of business. Next up? Thank you notes, the alternative being a lifetime of awkward Thankgivings and the scorn of the polite and elderly.

Never pick sides, Never choose between two

"I Think Ur A Contra" by Vampire Weekend sounds vaguely like Joni Mitchell, which I think is why I was open to it in the first place, having been mislead by a split-second conclusion and background noise. You should listen to if if you get a chance. It's wonderful.

Hoarding Possibility

A few weeks ago, as I rode home from the bar in Adam's car, my head lodged at a 90-degree angle against the ceiling, one of the other 74 passengers mentioned that the 49er was rumored to be closing to make way for a CVS. Drunk on whiskey and my love of convenience, I let out the lone cheer. Everyone else gasped in unison, horrified that I could applaud the destruction of a landmark, the end of an era, simply because it would mean easy access to half-gallons of milk and Cover Girl products. To backtrack a bit, the 49er is a bar in our neighborhood -- dive-ish in nature, host to hopeful bands and patient patrons. It's a cool place, but the truth is, I haven't set foot inside in more than four years, and I'm almost sure none of my friends have either. Their need to protect its bricks and lukewarm beer from the evils of corporate convenience stemmed from pure nostalgia and the idea that maybe, possibly, they might return for a drink one day. In this particular instance, I expressed remorse for my temporary delight and joined team 49er. I haven't heard any more about that rumor since, so it could be that one of my friends just pulled it out of their bored butts.

But it got me thinking -- don't we all sort of hoard possibility? Much like the semi-senile women on TLC keep rotting pumpkins in their bathtubs, cats in their freezers and 300 jars of mayonnaise on the basement stairs, I tend to accumulate a large number of people, places and things I simply like the existence of. I like that restaurant because it's there, and maybe one day we'll eat there... but probably not. I like knowing those rekindled Facebook friendships could maybe possibly lead to in-person reunions one day, but probably not. I like knowing the nooks and crannies of Omaha's more eclectic neighborhoods exist, but exploring them takes energy, so instead I draw satisfaction from their mere existence. I have friends in places I'll never visit, memories of places I'll never return to, reams of possibility I'll never make real. But it's all there, just in case.

I guess I'd liken the 49er to Conan O'Brien. I liked knowing he was there, and even though I admittedly never watched Late Night anymore, when he was bumped from the Tonight Show, I felt that pang of regret knowing I'd gotten by for the past four years on the idea that I could watch him if I wanted to. I imagine the same is true for a good number of people who were With Coco or whatever.

So is there a point? Not really... I'd like to try and reflect on the possibilities I've been keeping in my body-size freezer, throwing some away once and for all and making the others a reality. Because any day now, that rotting pumpkin could become a CVS. A convenient, convenient CVS.

Recommendations of the citrus variety.

Clementines - You can eat upwards of three in a day and avoid the aching guilt that comes from eating three Pop Tarts in a minute, not that I have ever done that.

The Trapeze Swinger by Iron & Wine - I'm well aware that this song is fairly old. Apparently it's on the "In Good Company" soundtrack, which means it dates back to around the time Topher Grace was still a household name (although he'll always be a household name in our household). I've never been one to stand perched on the cutting edge of anything. I was like 23 by the time I saw "The Cutting Edge." But in my humble and belated opinion, this song is beautiful. If I were planning my funeral and wanted to make people sit through a seven-minute montage featuring pictures of me when I was young and alive and wore over-sized Animaniacs t-shirts, I'd ask for this song to be played (right after the mimes hand out communion).

The Hurt Locker - Not going to launch into a review here. An amazing movie. For a few days after we watched it, I kept mistaking piles of my own crumpled gym clothes for IEDs.

Bloody Mary's - I had one at Applebee's last night that was pretty sub par (for those of you who live outside of Omaha, Applebee's is a restaurant we have here). But I had one at Wheatfield's this morning that wasn't half bad. Either way, I fulfilled yesterday's dream of drinking one within the next 12 to 24 hours.

And last, but not least, Conversations with Walgreens Service Clerks. I had a really good conversation with the girl working at Walgreens this morning. It sort of set the town for an all-around decent day (I shouldn't get ahead of myself since it's only 3:40). But if you have the opportunity, go for it. Even if it means buying another extension cord or getting next year's Christmas cards made.

Picture this.

In an effort to cut wedding corners, we only invited people who promised us gifts like cruises and horses, we served guests a variety of cheap but salty microwaveable frozen dinners (include a vegetarian option for those willing to remove small bits of dehydrated ham), and we hired our photographer from Craigslist. Craigslist is a wasteland of gently used Danish Modern furniture and serial killers, so I guess you could say we lucked out, in that said photographer was neither a killer nor was she seeking a missed connection or a leather love seat.

Now that the cloud of Facebook photos has dissipated, some beautiful and others candid (mostly of me letting my chin retreat into my neck), I've finally taken the time to look at (and pay for) the actual professional photos. Here are a few of my favorites...


So far, I've received every sacrament at this church. One hot May in sixth grade, we read Lord of the Flies here - a dark, echoing, refreshing alternative to our humid classroom.




I like this picture because it looks like the end of a basketball game.




And this one because it looks like we're in a community theater production of The Crucible.





My cousin Alice - the greatest, most beautiful flower girl I've ever had in any of my weddings.















I like this one in an unfunny sort of way.













They were asked to cheer, but nearly everyone did a passable job of looking sincere.






Riding off into the sunset... or around the block and back to the church parking lot.

One More Sleep Til Christmas

Since the start of the Christmas season, I've watched four different versions of A Christmas Carol (five if you count the version that takes place in space and has four ghosts and a small amount of time travel). We kicked off the holiday season by going to see the motion-capture Jim Carrey version (my love for Colin Firth has now taken on a third dimension). This was followed by a really, really old version that Matt ordered from Amazon... and then the George C. Scott version. And finally - I say finally because I'm pretty sure I've reached my quota - we spent the latter half of our Christmas Eve in St. Louis watching A Muppet Christmas Carol. It is far and away my favorite. Time to sleep! Merry Christmas.

Babies, etc.

Over the past month, my friends have taken it upon themselves to repopulate the planet, birthing babies all over town, filling orphanages, setting records, receiving donated 14-passenger vans from generous members of rural church congregations, and using up all of the names I've had on the secret baby name list that I began composing in grade school (#1. Nancykerigan, #2. Bill Guttenberg Pullman).

In reality, only two babies were born to only two of my friends in November and December, but that in itself is a feat -- many of us are still struggling to take care of ourselves, much less take responsibility for the health and well being a new, impressionable life. So with that I say...

Congratulations, Meg and Kael! Brody Daniel Busing is the greatest, handsomest baby I have ever had the privilege of giving a bottle to. Let's hope his keen ability to cover his eyes with his hands will serve him well later in life, when his parents embarrass him.

And congratulations, Katie and Keith! Although I have yet to meet Natalie Ann Hamlin, I can safely assume that she is beautiful, awesome and always up for a cold beer or a lively discussion surrounding the personal lives of high school classmates.

Love you all... thank you for giving me small, automatic friends for Christmas.

When it comes to breakfast, I cannot win.

I've been on a low-key hunt for an ideal breakfast food over the past few weeks - something delicious that does not require milk... something that can be eaten in the car without an excess of crumbs and can be eaten in front of others without embarrassment or shame. Something wholesome, but not excessive - containing an acceptable amount of fiber without exfoliating the inside of my mouth.

This morning, in an effort to get to work a bit early, I chose car toast... only the bread was too cool and the butterish spread was too cold, and the result was congealed and disappointing.

But onward and upward! I will not let this set the tone for my day.

I don't feel different. Do I sound different?

I guess marriage only makes you boring if you let it. To be completely honest with myself, I wasn't that exciting before, and now the only difference is that I get to float along in this tedious sea with someone else. It's noon on a Saturday, and I've already eaten the rest of my Mini Wheats, watched two episodes of Lost and trolled the internet for whatever funny videos of post-op face lift patients and Jersey Shore clips I missed during the week. So, you know, the usual.

I've also spent the last few weeks noticing things and making mental notes to blog about them, or at least mention them in conversation or write them in an e-mail (a funny e-mail, one not to be wasted on parents or business). When it comes to Matt, I've noticed that his disdain for dishwashers is far more deep-seated and sincere than was originally thought, almost to the point where I'm beginning to suspect a traumatic childhood run-in with a Maytag. When it comes to life, I've noticed that a singular source of frustration can fester and bubble until sandwiches don't taste good anymore and even e-mailed videos of kittens that wave their arms in surprise aren't as cute anymore, but this only happens if you let it. And when it comes to the bitter, bitter cold of a Midwestern winter, I've learned that Chicago made me smart, at least when it comes to layers (and time management!). Not so long ago, you might've found me wearing Umbros in a blizzard or eschewing hats as merely a decorative way to make your hair look worse than it already does. Now I won't leave the house wearing anything less than everything I own. I have a feeling this also has something to do with me slowly turning into my parents, but that's another story for another day. One that involves Bloody Marys and narcolepsy.

Time to go! More to come.

I have a sadness shield that keeps out all the sadness, and it's big enough for all of us.

If I've said this once, I've said it twice (this being the second time, or possibly third). When my days lose structure, my mind loses momentum and all of the thoughts I think collect behind my ear until they're spit out as drool and toothpaste.

I've been home since the beginning of September, adapting to the same routine I had during high school summers... only this time I'm getting married, so that sort of changes things. I wake up earliesh and eat Frosted Mini Wheats, which I used to think tasted like little baskets. But times change and tastes change and suddenly not buying the groceries means you will eat whatever is in the cabinet, from celery salt to candy canes.

Wash the Wheats down with weak coffee, peruse various Web sites (celebrity and otherwise), try to hit the gym at the exact time when the youngs leave for work and the olds are still in the middle of their morning naps. This particular gym, chosen for its proximity to my mom's house, serves as a source of mid-day entertainment for wealthy housewives who don't mind handing their children off to gym-employed strangers if it means three hours on the elliptical, and elderly people who have yet to realize that they are too fragile for leg lifts.

After that, well, sometimes I shower, sometimes I eat lunch, sometimes I write form-letter thank you notes for holiday hand towels and measuring spoons. And it's pretty much all down hill from there. Internet. Glue gun. Casserole. Law and Order rerun. Sleep. Repeat. (But to be fair, it is sort of blissful in its own way, and I will miss this unadulterated time with my mom when life becomes normal once again.)
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My youngest brother fell victim to a nasty infection behind his ear, which brought him home from the dorms and into this den of early dinners and hapless DIY endeavors. (Thank you, Paul! You made the last two weeks really fun, and you're getting better to boot!) We went to see Where the Wild Things Are on Monday night, and while it could've been 20 minutes shorter (a little less dirt clod throwing, perhaps?), I really enjoyed it. After all, muted colors, a scrappy child, giant felt monsters with celebrity voices and a twee soundtrack is a formula for guaranteed cinematic success in my book.
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It is raining.
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If you watch Mad Men, you should be reading the Slate TV Club's reflections of the previous night's episode. It will make you slap the side of your head and think of everyone and everything, from neighbor Francine to Don's pajamas, in a new way. It also makes that dreamy, tipsy feeling one gets while watching Mad Men last that much longer, and that is fine by me.
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And finally, if you live in Chicago (or can find the motivation to get there within the next few weeks), I suggest that you go see Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School. It's Robot vs. Dinosaur's latest show, and it runs through mid-November at the Gorilla Tango Theater in Bucktown. Full disclosure: I have one sketch in the show, but please don't let that deter you (rumor has it the show is insanely funny). I'll be there on Halloween; I'll save you a seat.

Want to know more? Read Don Hall's review here .

Where I sit...

Day in and day out, flanked by our diabetic family cat (I had originally written this as "fat" - freudian slip) as he lies on the floor and pretends to preen. The dining room has become my new office. During the day, there are jackhammers and at night just the dull, gurgly hum of a window-unit air conditioner. If I were any more motivated, I'd try for something more comfortable and less... everything I just mentioned, but ah well...

I wrote this piece the other day and found out that it was published (Web style) today. I did not come up with that title, but it works well. My essay aside, Double X is a great blog -- one I highly recommend to guys and ladies alike.

Time to move to another room! My butt is beginning to bear the imprint of the pears embroidered on this dining room chair.

This is not goodbye. It's just a long break between animal crackers.

Have you given up on me? I mean, if you did, I would completely understand. It's like that raccoon that sat on top of the telephone pole behind your house for a week and then suddenly disappeared. After a while, you just stop looking.

As it happens, I have left Chicago for the more murderous and less expensive pastures of St. Louis, before I proceed to Omaha in November. I normally leave personal details out of my blog posts, replacing them with vague references to feelings and hopes and dreams, but I feel it necessary to explain that I am leaving to get married. And I couldn't be happier... unless PBS decided to run a primetime "Today's Special" reunion episode, under which circumstances I would be happiest. Anyway, I imagine I'll write more about wedding things down the road. This, however, is a time for reflection.

I arrived in Chicago in November of 2007, fresh from a breakup (with the person I'm now marrying) and eager to test my own fortitude in a city I'd always dreamed of inhabiting. During my first few months, I turned one friend into a few acquaintances. I was cold sometimes. Drunk often. Lonely always. I survived on carrots and mustard and weekend visits from friends. And occasionally... just occasionally, I wondered what the fuck I had done.

Fast forward to Valentine's Day, 2008. I was working for a PR firm and hating love and eager to get home to my carrots and mustard when a co-worker, who up until this point had been known only to me as the one girl I think I could probably be friends with, swung by my office and made a joke in passing about spending a lonely holiday at Chili's. We glanced back and forth for a minute before we both realized the sad truth: we had nothing better to do than to make this quip a reality. At 5:30, we braved the wind and walked west on Ontario to a Chili's restaurant otherwise populated by starry-eyed tourists. We drank expensive margaritas, followed by expensive beer, chased by cheap chips and salsa, and talked about where we had been up until this point. Nothing very remarkable, but we were hopeful.

This person, by the way, is Lauren Svoboda, resident person on my list of top Chicago-related accomplishments.

When you spend Valentine's day at Chili's with a person under unexpected and somewhat sad circumstances, you sort of cement yourself to them because you share a secret that you will laugh quietly about every time it crosses your mind. And you will laugh loudly when you are together.

At this point, it was all downhill in an uphill sort of way, as I had finally made a friend that I could complain to and not feel like a burden, call and not feel like a telemarketer, cry in front of and not feel like a zoo animal. When my dad died, Lauren was the person I called to say that, for the time being, I would not be at work. And three months later, when I received walking orders from my employer, she was the person I called once I'd hauled my belongings home and taken a moment to realize the enormity of the situation.

And when I called, I found out that she had suffered the same fate. If, when I am old and a little closer to dying, I think back on my life in phases, like the time I was listlessly detached or the time I was monumentally happy, this will be the time I was poor, confused and thoroughly entertained. We spent our mornings talking about going to the library that afternoon, our afternoons at the zoo and our evenings drinking sugary pre-mixed cocktails, knowing full well that we had nothing to wake up for in the morning, except maybe lunch.

Getting laid off with someone is sort of like going to Chili's on Valentine's Day only slightly more raw. And thus the cement grows stronger.

A month later, we were back to work but not back to normal. At this point, I would mention Lauren's name in conversation with family and friends in other cities and states, as if by osmosis they knew exactly who she was, what she was like and what enormous role she had taken on in my life. To everyone outside of Chicago, she was a ghost and a super hero and a character from the short story I was writing with this portion with my daily existence.

In reality, we spent a great deal of time drinking things and eating things and watching things and talking about things that usually remained off limits to everyone else. Sometimes we would watch One Tree Hill, sip whisky and tap water and wonder where the months and days had gone since October 16, 2008, and when our novels would be published.

I'm not exactly sure what I wanted to get out of my sudden, unplanned and seemingly immature move to Chicago. I wanted to do the writing program at Second City, ride on buses and trains, carry an umbrella and learn to navigate my way through large crowds. I wanted to go to concerts (I probably made it to four) and do vaguely adventurous things. I did not expect to make really good friends, but that's perhaps the one area in which I was most successful. The number is small, but the people are good. And the very best of all is Lauren Svoboda.

So thanks, Lauren, for not only being the sole reader of my blog, but also my favorite person in Chicago and one of the greatest friends I've ever had. I'll see you in October. Save me some triscuits and please be waiting with a hug.

Beautiful

I know it’s probably odd to emerge from my no-blogging closet to praise a women’s magazine, but I felt compelled to do so. Besides, it’s dark in there, and it smells like old Keds and tennis balls.

I can’t say I stumbled upon this on my own – I don’t subscribe to any of these magazines, and when I buy them individually, I usually opt for Marie Claire because it’s the French version of my sister’s name and I get a few more pages for my buck (granted, that likely amounts to a few more perfume ads and subscription cards, but oh well). Instead, I found this by way of Jezebel, which I hit up daily, usually during lunch.

To preface, I don’t have much of a soapbox when it comes to the way women are portrayed in lady mags. Not because I don’t think it’s fucked up, but more because it seems like the dead horse has been ground into glue, and the fashion industry will always opt for the expensive, the impractical and the emaciated, when given an option. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t pleasantly surprised by Glamour’s use of a not even plus-sized, but a just plain normal model in its most recent issue.

I have these moments that occur from time to time in the locker room at the gym, when I catch someone changing out of the corner of my eye (in an accidental, non-dirty way), and I find myself breathing this silent sight of relief – because that’s how I look. That’s how my stomach looks, or that’s how my legs look, my butt, my back. And that’s exactly how I felt when I saw this picture. That immense sigh of relief.

It’s sad to think that in between those moments, I’ve somehow been convinced that I’m abnormal, slightly bigger or doughier or awkwardly shaped than everyone else. It sucks, and I have a feeling I’m not the only one. It’d be nice to go through life without that distorted sense of physical self brought on by pictorials of skinny Russian models riding tigers or whatever.

So maybe my soapbox needs to be bigger, since it’s virtually impossible not to be an unwitting victim of the images put in front of you. Regardless, kudos to Glamour for taking a look at the world through everyone else’s eyes. I hope it’s not just a glimpse.